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goodnatured

Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3138

5338 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:52 am

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
_________________
Goodnatured,

Trying to become and stay debt free, thank you for all your help and support!

goodnatured

Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3138

5338 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:53 am

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
_________________
Goodnatured,

Trying to become and stay debt free, thank you for all your help and support!

goodnatured

Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3138

5338 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:54 am

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
_________________
Goodnatured,

Trying to become and stay debt free, thank you for all your help and support!

goodnatured

Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3138

5338 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:57 am

Ok, somebody elses turn
_________________
Goodnatured,

Trying to become and stay debt free, thank you for all your help and support!

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:29 am

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him."

The woman replied, " That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, " That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!

The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:39 am

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:44 am

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:45 am

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:46 am

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:48 am

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:49 am

After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence.

So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.

Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:50 am

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Everytime we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go .."I still remember that time when you ...."

Laura

Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Laura's page
Posts: 1407

34540 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:35 am

So many great jokes here. Hysterical and historical...hmm quite good
_________________
Regards,
Laura.

goodnatured

Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3138

5338 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:13 pm

Glad you are enjoying this thread Laura, Life is tooooo serious sometimes and I think we all need to take some time to lighten up a bit. Looks like crackerjack is giving me a run for my money, LOL, keep it up, the more the merrier.
_________________
Goodnatured,

Trying to become and stay debt free, thank you for all your help and support!

crackerjack

Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 172

8 Magic Points

Thu Dec 13, 2007 6:16 pm

Trying to keep up with you is hard though, I like this part of the forum also, find alot of laughter in it.

Anyone with a hubby will appreciate this one.

1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.

3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.

7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

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