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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter

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crackerjack



Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 144



33 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:21 am  

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

****
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

***

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:50 am  

great additions there crackerjack, glad I could bring a good end to a rotten day. I have those sometimes too, think we all have a few every now and then. Tommorro always starts a new one, so you have something to look forward to every night when you go to sleep, start fresh and make the next day better than the last.
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Subject: new order blue pill 347 identifier supper disk
 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 7:33 pm  

hay!!
good project Smile
senks Smile
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:52 pm  

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
_________________
Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:53 pm  

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."


A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
_________________
Goodnatured,
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for all the ways I make $$ online
http://www.crazymonkeygold.com/members/register.php?ref=fedupinpa
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:54 pm  

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'


A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".


One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
_________________
Goodnatured,
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for all the ways I make $$ online
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crackerjack



Joined: 03 Dec 2007
crackerjack's page
Posts: 144



33 Magic Points

 
Posted on Wed Dec 12, 2007 12:44 am  

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
***

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, "Yeah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.

But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"

"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great.

As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"
***

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing...

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
***

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Laura

Laura

Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Laura's page
Posts: 1327



36544 Magic Points

 
Posted on Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:02 am  

Some one pick me up please. These jokes are just too funny.
_________________
Regards,
Laura.
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:40 am  

I know, I love the fact that someone else is adding them too.

I was thinking about some of them today in class and lost it, some of the other students just looked at me, but they don't know what the voices in my head were telling, lol, just kidding.
_________________
Goodnatured,
http://cashinpocket.synthasite.com/
for all the ways I make $$ online
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:42 am  

Exhaustion

Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'
Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'
_________________
Goodnatured,
http://cashinpocket.synthasite.com/
for all the ways I make $$ online
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:44 am  

Attractive Patient

The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl.
Doctor: 'Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?'

Miss Jones: 'Oh. no, doctor, never!'

Doctor: 'Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample you sent, do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?'

Miss Jones: 'Quite sure, doctor. Can I go now?'

Doctor: 'No.'

Miss Jones: 'But why not?'

Doctor: 'Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.'
_________________
Goodnatured,
http://cashinpocket.synthasite.com/
for all the ways I make $$ online
http://www.crazymonkeygold.com/members/register.php?ref=fedupinpa
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:48 am  

Pretend Husband and Wife Jokes

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
_________________
Goodnatured,
http://cashinpocket.synthasite.com/
for all the ways I make $$ online
http://www.crazymonkeygold.com/members/register.php?ref=fedupinpa
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:48 am  

Pretend Husband and Wife Jokes

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
_________________
Goodnatured,
http://cashinpocket.synthasite.com/
for all the ways I make $$ online
http://www.crazymonkeygold.com/members/register.php?ref=fedupinpa
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:48 am  

Pretend Husband and Wife Jokes

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
_________________
Goodnatured,
http://cashinpocket.synthasite.com/
for all the ways I make $$ online
http://www.crazymonkeygold.com/members/register.php?ref=fedupinpa
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



541 Magic Points

 
Posted on Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:50 am  

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
_________________
Goodnatured,
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for all the ways I make $$ online
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