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And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights

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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
goodnatured's page
Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:28 am  

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
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Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:29 am  

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:29 am  

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband,
crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"Well...I would have gotten out today!"
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Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:30 am  

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:30 am  

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. "Hey there, you wouldn't happen to have a phone would you?" the guy said, still thinking about the pig. "Nope, no phones 'round these parts." The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. "Well, I guess...ya can stay here for 'da night. 'Dat is if you likes." Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. "I just have one question, what happened to that pig?" asked the man. "Well,..he been in a fire not 'dat longs ago. Rescued all 'da childrens too. Yep, 'dat be one fine pig."said the farmer. "Well, how'd he get like that? Did the leg get burnt....or what?" asked the man. "Nope, he didn' get hurt." "Then what happened to his leg?" the man asked getting more & more impatient. "Well," the farmer said annoyed "everybody knows 'dat you don't eat a pig like 'dat in one sittin".
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Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:31 am  

Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"
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Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:32 am  

Have any to add, we needed a thread for laughter, I seen we had them on the other forums and thought why not here too. So I started this thread, please join me.
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debtstinker



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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0 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 2:29 am  

very cool!!! i can't think of any off hand but when i do i sure will! i love reading things like this thanks for sharing. where on earth did you get all those? do you remember all that? if so you have a phenomenal memory! will be back with more : )
goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:10 am  

I will post more tommorro, it is alot of typing, getting carpal tunnel. I posted them on another forum to so I used alot of copy and paste, to move them from one forum to another, but the initial typing was a pain. A guy on the other forums gave me the idea.
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Goodnatured,
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:50 am  

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said: “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.” George said: “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”

The second kid said: “I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” George said: “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”.

The third kid said: “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!” George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: “But you don’t look like you are injured.”

The kid says: “But I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”
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Laura

Laura

Joined: 21 Jun 2007
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36393 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:41 am  

Good lord..what have you done? The jokes are really funny. I hope others also contribute. I would love to take a break sometimes and reading these are like... Laughing
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 11:47 am  

I really needed a laugh Laura and I figured the rest of you could too, I tried to keep them as clean as possible, don't want to offend anyone, glad you enjoyed them. Have a good day.
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goodnatured



Joined: 03 Nov 2007
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Posts: 3931



523 Magic Points

 
Posted on Mon Dec 10, 2007 11:15 pm  

For you Debtstinker:

Quote:

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
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crackerjack



Joined: 03 Dec 2007
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Posts: 144



32 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:00 am  

these are really funny, can not believe that I sat here and read everyone, thank you for such a lite hearted posts, we all need to laugh sometimes and I really needed one today. rough day, but it is over, thanks for a good ending to a bad day.
crackerjack



Joined: 03 Dec 2007
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Posts: 144



32 Magic Points

 
Posted on Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:05 am  

here you go
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"


and another

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
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